Stomach Flu

Lying on the bathroom floor. Puking. Crying. I feel so alone without him. I miss my husband.

Narcissism

My therapist says I am narcissistic.

Case In Point:  I had an awful day. I was agonizing over if I should opt out of dating altogether or if I should slip into some hot sex while the pickings are hot. I was missing my ex husband’s strong arms and the way he looks in jeans. I was feeling sorry for myself that it was Wednesday, the night that used to be date night, and I didn’t have a date. I was missing my marriage. I called my sister to tell her how down I was and she abruptly told me she was very sorry, but she couldn’t talk. Why? She was having a little birthday party. For her one-year old. Her little baby, youngest of three, turned one today and I completely forgot. I called to talk about myself, my sorry state of single hood, and in the meantime I forgot my nephew’s birthday.

Another example of my narcissism:  I don’t want to date OD, but I feel bad saying so to him. I didn’t see this as narcissism.

Therapist:  To assume he would be devastated by you telling him this isn’t the right time for you is narcissistic thinking.

Me:  But I’ve been devastated by men who didn’t want to date me after just a couple dates.

Therapist:  Yes, and that was part of the narcissism. You assumed it was about you. It could have been that he was still in a relationship with someone else, he only dates short brunettes, he was broke, or hundred other things. If you had been dating 3 or 4 months then the rejection is tough. But just 1 or 2 dates hardly constitutes any reason about you.

It’s Raining Men. Hallelujah?

I think I might stop dating. I have three right now that are at the top. One guy is an old dude (OD), one guy is witty (WI), and one guy has strong arms (SA). OD is probably at the bottom of the list. We have excellent banter in email but in person he is a little boring. His age doesn’t bother me, he has plenty of hair and is quite good-looking. I’m suspicious because he is pursuing me to much. He hardly knows me, yet he seems completely smitten by me. Does he care who I am or does he just want me as a girlfriend to have a girlfriend? Am I just being insecure and do I need to let go and let someone adore me?

I like the feel of WI’s soft touch when we cuddle after sex. He is sweet and always spends the night. His company is fine, sure, but I’m not dying to see him. I’m not really dying to see any of them.

I’m flattered that SA likes me as much as he does. He’s very handsome and popular with women. He is excellent in bed. He is complementary, he likes oral sex (loves oral sex), and perhaps the best of all, he connects with me when we are together. He is the epitome of making love. He looks into my eyes and he looses himself in the moment. The problem with SA is we don’t connect when we are out of bed. We rarely see each other because we live far apart so our conversations are limited to Skype, phone and texting. It just doesn’t flow. Would it flow in person? Is it worth the effort of finding out?

Will I regret it if I cut them all off and I’m alone again? It’s nice to have someone to have sex with. I don’t want to deprive myself of that after so long without it. But it’s also nice not being on an emotional roller coaster. My dear friend (who is a guy) tells me guys definitely don’t mind being used for sex, and it’s ok to keep the relationship casual. Can I keep a relationship casual? Will I fall in love with someone not right for me if I continue to have sex with him? How do single people deal with sex cravings? How do Christian people deal with sex cravings? I’m not talking about the orgasm, I’m talking about the touch. The holding, the cuddling, the hugging, the loving, the kind words, the back scratches, the kisses in the morning.

As I write this I realize, I never had any of that in my marriage. The X didn’t come to bed with me, hug me or kiss me. We had sex once every two years. He never said I was beautiful, he never scratched my back, and he definitely didn’t cuddle me for 5 minutes before getting out of bed. God wanted me out of there, yes. But what, exactly, did God intend for me to do with this loneliness?

What Am I Doing?

When EX husband moved out (or do I still call him husband?), I had sex right away. That week. Literally, less than 7 days after he moved out. I was thrilled to have the opportunity and I felt like I was high on a drug. Lust and Attraction. L&A. That shit is gooooooood! I proceeded to have sex with others. I kind of lost count, and I don’t want to agonize over numbers, but probably close to double digits.

I started off having sex on the first date. Then I got myself up to two dates. Eventually I made it to four dates, which is acceptable no matter who you are (hee hee). I don’t regret having sex with any of them. 12 years in a marriage where I had sex a handful of times was a prison to me. I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest, no, I feel like a dead weight was removed from my life. I can breathe again. My life had no hope and a dreary future. Now, I’m alive. The song “Born Again” by Third Day became my anthem. It still is, but to a lesser degree.

I’m starting to feel like its time to get back to work. On what? What am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing? Where does God want me to go next?

I don’t have many people who I can talk to about these dilemmas. Many of my close friends either don’t believe in listening to God or don’t believe I should have sex out-of-wedlock. I believe in both wholeheartedly.

Divorce

8 months later. Here’s the update:

I got a job. I went back to work. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He moved out. That was in May.

 

 

Separation Anxiety

I have separation anxiety. It is the hole that my husband fills in me. He takes away my loneliness and completes me with a security that I don’t believe I can have on my own. In the mornings, right before he leaves to go to work, I get anxious and overwhelmingly sad. I’ve learned to hide this from him, but I doubt I’m affective. I feel anxiety saying goodbye to friends, going on trips, coming home from trips and ending a session in therapy.

My therapist says this anxiety comes from being tossed back and forth between my mom and dad from age 2 with custody issues. No one ever took care of me. No one comforted me when I was sad to miss the other parent. She says I can fill this hole. Did you read that? She actually thinks we can fix this! I was floored when she mentioned it. I’m excited about the prospect of not living with a constant anxiety of being left. What would that look like? How would that feel?

We talked about my separation anxiety in my last session, two days ago. I can’t explain all of what happened, but know this:  It was huge. At one point she held both of my hands while I wailed because our session was coming to an end. She looked into my eyes and just held my hands. She said nice things to me. She just listened. I felt comforted. I still felt sad when I left, but I felt a comfort for a whole day knowing I have her.

 

Attempt One: Cherishing My Beliefs

How do I explain the fight I’m having with my best friend?

Frustrating, a relief, scary, and sad. I miss her.

Maybe I wasn’t a good friend. I’m not sure. I doubt myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I invited her over after my kids were asleep. My husband was out of town. She told me later, “I thought you wanted company, I didn’t know I was going to be ambushed.”

Did I ambush her? I’m pretty sure I didn’t, but if she says I did then I get confused. Was I too harsh? Should I have kept to myself?

She and I met at a restaurant with our kids last week for dinner and when she got there she yelled at her kids and I felt anxious and scared. She told our sons that they didn’t have good restaurant behavior when I thought their behavior was fine. She shamed them and talked harshly, and my son referenced it later saying he didn’t understand.

I hate the yelling and I freeze when she does it. I felt like I had to protect my kids and hers, and I felt like I should have somehow provided her some comfort or relief. I did neither. Instead, I froze and did the thing that I do–pretend that everything is just fine by smiling and acting calm but really my whole torso is tense and I’m cringing inside.

This all happened at a time when I was praying hard to be more consistent in acting out what I believe and who I am. Not changing my perspective because the people around me are different. Being consistent with who I want to be. Parenting how I want to parent no matter who is around. Believing what I believe no matter who I’m talking with. Standing up for me.

So what came to my mind when I prayed to God, “Where in my life do I abandon my own beliefs?”

My Best Friend. She popped into my mind every time I said the prayer. I mustered up the courage to tell her that when she yelled at the restaurant I froze. I felt like I needed to protect the kids and I felt like I wanted to help her. I wasn’t a good mom or a good friend.

She was very upset and hurt and she felt criticized.

And that is where we are now.

Feeling Low

I used to love my blog. Now I hate it. I don’t read the posts, but the aura of my blog, from my memory, seems just stupid. Pointless. Repetitive.

This is a direct reflection on me. Direct to my heart. That’s how I feel about myself. I feel like it’s pointless to go to bible study where I can’t be honest about how hard my life is right now. I don’t bother showering but every other day and my hair is at an all time low. Scraggly and frizzy. I’ve been twisting it and pulling it out lately, which is something I do when I’m feeling a lot of anxiety, and I have a bald spot near my right forehead. I haven’t wanted to blog.

It’s a relief to tell you just how bad I feel. It’s a relief to tell you that I feel depressed. My mind constantly plays scenarios about divorce and how it would affect my kids. I break inside knowing the trauma they will feel. I hurt.

My therapist said to me last week to utilize my sisters and close friend by leaning on them, sharing with them how I’m depressed. My sisters would worry. Would I become a burden to them? Would my neediness grow tiresome?

Stepping Up or Stepping Back?

Home again, home again. I just spent over a week in my hometown. My sisters and their families live there, as do my mom and stepdad. When I go there for a visit like I did this last week, I miss being in the thick of it.

When I’m visiting we get together for dinner most nights I’m visiting. Moments that I am a part of these family dinners feel so good. I love knowing that I’m welcome. I feel secure. I love sitting on my sister’s deck on a summer night, eating brownies and watching my kids play with their cousins in her yard. I wonder if I want to move there.

Ugh, but I hate where they live! They live in a ritzy ski town in the mountains where winter drags on for 8+ months. It is dry and whenever I visit my hands come back cracked, even through layers of lotion. I live by the ocean where my skin is hydrated and it is warm all year long. I have a garden and I get tomatoes 6 months of the year. I don’t like snow and I don’t miss being cold. Ever.

But, I’m wondering. My precious aunt was visiting at the same time as me, and she couldn’t fathom why I wasn’t living there. I dream about being a part of something so close. I love them. All that is missing is me (and my family), so why don’t I move? Well, I don’t like the climate. There is more to life than a good climate! She’s right. True, I hate the climate, but the real concern for me is, could I hold onto myself if I were to live by them? Could I stand up for who I am and for what I want? I didn’t like the person that I was when I lived there. When I left for college a weight was lifted as soon as I got on the plane to go away. The minute I got to the airport and said goodbye I was free. Am I crazy to think of going back? Could I be happy living in such close proximity to my family?

Love and Hate In Marriage

Husband was gone for 9 days on business, then he got back and we went on a mini-vacation. How was I when he was gone? I was Sad. Lonely. My best friend was gone the same week and I missed them both. I missed him. I thought I detested him. How was it that I missed him?

I felt anxious, lonely, on edge and sad. Just . . . so alone.

Isn’t marriage strange? Some days I want out of this marriage and I feel excited and confident on my own. I want change. Then some days I miss him with such an aching longing that I can only barely function through my day. I think my therapist would say I have deep longing because my needs weren’t met as a child and I’m hoping he will now meet my needs as an adult. Only he doesn’t. Then I see a glimpse of him caring for me and I am hopeful that he’ll come to me, change and be what I need.

I think this is what she means when she says not to have expectations for him to change. Even thought he might change, if I expect him to then I’m living my life on his time-table and that isn’t healthy for me. But how do I stop expecting him to change when I love him? I see a side to him that only comes out every second Sunday for an hour, and I melt again. He is sweet, plays with the kids, talks to me, laughs with me, and he loves me. It is hard for me not to hope he’ll change when I feel in love with him again.